Robo-Cooties!
by Naked Sasquatch
Summary: The Commander tries (and fails) to rationalize his new, confusing and yucky feelings towards his Robot Pal. McRobot


_"Circle, circle dot, dot, now you have the cootie shot! Circle, circle, square, square, now you've got it everywhere!"_

The Commander muttered the mantra in his bunk over and over again while tracing the patterns into his forearm…until Ricky and Bones finally had enough and banished him to the couch for the night.

Hmph, well what did Brace-Face and Bird-Brain know anyway?! What, with Ricky going gaga over any gal to flash him the ol' pearly whites and Bones' general show-offy-ness being about a BILLION times worse whenever a couple of AquaGroupies hooted and hollered at him from the front row…

Bones and Ricky were RIDDLED with cooties. There was no saving them.

But not the MC BAT COMMANDER! The self proclaimed leader and lead singer of the greatest super-hero-ska-pop-punk-band the world has ever known! A man of action! He saved the world a couple of times! He had lunch boxes with his FACE on them! He had a super cool, totally not fake, mustache on HIS face!

So how did HE end up with a big, fat stupid crush? How did HE get infected with such a bad case of the love bug?

He tossed and turned on the couch, before settling down on his side- glaring at the faint glow in the hallway…coming from Jimmy's lab. He sighed.

He didn't even know robots HAD cooties!

He groaned, covering himself in blankets like a little kid trying to hide from monsters - "monsters" in this case being his own yucky feelings. He squeezed his eyes shut, attempting to squeeze all these stupid thoughts about stupid Jimmy out of his stupid head.

_Don't think about how his dumb hands…don't think about how strong, but gentle, they are when he squeezes your shoulder. Don't think about the way he sticks his tongue out when he's concentrating on…science and stuff. And whatever you do, don't think about stupid dumb face! …and how his nose crinkles when he laughs and how his eyes light up, like literally LIGHT UP, when he reads your stupid texts or when you say stuff like "Nice Shot Robot! That was one in a million!" or -!_

…this wasn't working!

The Commander threw the blankets off of him and stomped towards Jimmy's lab - he was gonna fix that Robot! Him and his stupid robo-cooties!

"ROBOT! I-!"

It wasn't until he kicked the door to Jimmy's lab down, and was face to face with a startled and wide-eyed (and ADORABLE! Wait, what? NO!) Jimmy the Robot, that he regretted winging this one.

"…Commander! What are you doing up? Is everything alright?" Jimmy shut the text book on human anatomy that he was brushing up on…recent events piquing curiosity…before approaching the Commander. "Is Crash still having trouble getting to sleep? Because I could read him another bedtime story, it's no trouble at all! Do you think he'd prefer 'The Thing in the Bass Amp' or 'The Ugly Duckling with Low Self Esteem—?'"

"Don't you 'is everything alright? Oooh look at me and what a kind, caring handsome robot I am' ME, mister!"

"…handsome?"  
"I've got a bone to pick with you!"

"…alright…" Jimmy nodded with a bemused smirk and pulled up a chair for the Commander before motioning him to sit down…which the Commander did, but not because Jimmy told him to! "What seems to be on your mind? Must be pretty important to keep you up so late…way past your bed-time…"

"I don't HAVE a bed-time, Robot! I'm an adult! I'm a MAN!"

"Oh, I'm WELL aware of that, Commander…" Jimmy snickered in a way that made the Commander's face light up like a Christmas Tree.

"Commander, my senses are indicating that your blood-pressure is rising! You're stressed!"

"I'm not stressed!"  
"You're really tense!"

"I'm NOT tense!"

"Do you require a back rub to relax you?"

"Th-! Thaaaaaaat won't be necessary, Robot…d-don't you touch me! I'm-MMMMMmmmmm! Aaaaah…ooh…yeah…!"

Jimmy chuckled warmly, as the Commander was reduced to a gloopy puddle of Aquabat Soup in his metallic hands. Jimmy's back rubs were legendary - and the legend was true!

The Commander's mind began to wander…was Jimmy part massage chair? The way his hands were VIBRATING against his shoulder blades, it certainly seemed like it!

…could other parts of him vibrate? Like his…_thingy_…wait, did Jimmy even HAVE a thingy? If he DID it was probably a MONSTER and- Woah, woah, HOLD UP, HOMIE!

"J-Jimmy!"  
"Yes, Commander?"

"…this is what I came to talk to you about! We have a serious problem here, Robot! I think- wait, no…I KNOW that you have…cooties!

"Cooties? What are cooties?"

"They're GROSS is what they are! Normally, you get them from girls, like Ricky does all the time! But I never do because…well, just because! And sometimes, not often but SOMETIMES, you can get them from boys. Like that one time when I was in Summer Camp and Conrad from the 4th grade was there, and he had really filled out that summer…b-but never mind that…and APPARENTLY, you can get them from robots too!"  
"Oh…I see…so you're saying that I'm giving you these…'cooties'?"  
"YES and it's GROSSING ME OUT so…stop it! I command you! Because I'm the Commander and I command things!"

"Commander…this wouldn't have anything to do with yesterday's events, would it-"  
"…I don't know what you're talking about…"

"You don't remember playing Hide and Seek with the guys?"

"Robot…"

"And it was Crash's turn to seek-"  
"Robot…!"

"-And you and I ended up hiding in the same closet-"  
"…Jiiiiiimmmy….!"

"-And our close proximity caused you to become aroused-"

The Commander slapped his hand over Jimmy's, blushing furiously.

"JIMMY! ENOUGH! Come on, I don't want the guys hearing about this! It's EMBARRASSING!"

"No it's not, Commander - It happens to everyone! Well, to HUMANS, anyway…"

"It's GROSS!"

"Oh, no it is not! It's a natural and beautiful thing!"

"Stop it! You're making everything SO MUCH WORSE with your stupid ROBO-COOTIES!"

"Commander…"  
The Commander grunted in response, trying to rub the red outta his cheeks and instead managed to smear his mustache. Jimmy giggled.

"Would you like me to scan for cooties in the area?"

"…sure, whatever…"

Jimmy pressed a metallic finger to his temple, beeping and booping through his mouth, pretending to scan for an imaginary play-ground virus. It fooled the Commander, however, and he was watching Jimmy finish his analysis with bated breath.

"Well Commander, I've detected that neither one of us are infected with a single cootie."  
"…then what's WRONG with me?"

"Nothing's WRONG with you Commander!"  
"Stop being so NICE to me! I'm gross and weird!"

"Listen to me - you are NOT gross or weird. You're perfect…"

"Wha-?"

"C'mere, silly…"

"What the WHAAAA-MMF!"

The Commander was stunned into a rare silence as the Robot pressed his lips against his. They were cold, but surprisingly soft, and he tasted a little smokey. Just when the Commander was wondering why he suddenly smelled burnt toast, he felt an electric shock sting his mouth and they both jerked away.

"I'm sorry! I got a little…over-charged…Are you alright?!" The Commander for his own lips, which were all tingly, before noticing the goosebumps on his arm.

"…NO! No I'm not OKAY Robot, you just…we were just…WE JUST SMOOCHED! ON THE LIPS!"

"Yes well…it's my understanding that's what two individuals do when they are in our situation. They smooch and hold hands and eventually, there's sexual intercourse-"

The Commander choked on his own spit.

"Commander? Are you alright?" Jimmy patted him on the back which just made him turn an even more violent shade of red.

"HACK! Jimmy I don't…how would we even…?! Ya know…" The Commander cast his eyes to the side and made a lude hand gesture.

"Let's just say, I am…compatible…" The Commander tugged at the collar of his rash-guard. So the Robot had a "thingy" after all…or…or something…good to know… "But there's no rush, we can take things slow…"

"T-take what slow…?"

Jimmy tilted his chin and kissed him again, and this time the Commander was kissing back. His was left kissing the air as Jimmy pulled away, giggling. Nose crinkling as he laughed.

"I like you too, dummy."

END


End file.
